In The Hard Places

I have been stressing out a great deal lately about pretty much the whole balance of the universe: My future, anxieties about whether I am doing enough, my friends' struggles, where this country is going, all the unheard voices of the world, whether or not I am living it right, you name it. Many nights I don't find sleep because all the pain in this world is a weight pressing against me, flattening me out. The most human part of me wants to solve, to analyze, to fix, to appease, and I can't seem to stop myself from throwing questions at God, demanding concrete solutions and answers.  I keep telling myself to relax, to have Faith, to pray without ceasing, but many times my frustrations overwhelm me, and I just go into mini panic attacks. I am lucky and blessed beyond belief to have a loving family and supportive friends to help me during these times. I am thankful, so thankful.


The most recent chapter in our Discernment book that my fellow YAVs and I are reading is titled "In The Hard Places." This title is quite relevant to where a lot of us are right now. Whether we are struggling with current issues in our lives or figuring out where we fit come August, each of us has many questions and fears. The unknown is meant to be exciting yes, but for many it just seems absolutely terrifying. I am blessed to have many options and opportunities, but I want God to send me a lightning bolt down to earth saying "Yes pick that choice. I like that one." As if I'm asking a friend which tablecloth looks better. What a crazy human being I am to be begging clear, easy outs from a God that simply asks that we have some Faith in him. I am reminded of the passage of 1 Samuel where he is called in the middle of the night by the Lord to get up and go. I can only imagine that fear that must have shivered through him that night. Now, I ask myself: Am I willing to get up and go?

We recently had our Spring Retreat in the thriving metropolis of Poplarville, Mississippi. We were able to do a bit of discerning and worship against a gorgeous backdrop of lakes, blooming pink flowers, and endless woods. It was wonderful just to seep into that organic feel of nature amidst squirrels scurrying around and lizards doing push-ups on logs. I talked to God honestly and openly, like he was sitting right beside me in the leaves.


"At times we drift in our lives. Amid the uncertainty and suspense of not knowing, or the sheer tedium of things remaining the same, we can learn to keep our eyes wide open, scanning the horizon of our experience. Like Noah we may have to do this for a long time until at last some green sprig signals,"'There's land ahead.'" 
-Quote from The Way of Discernment


I just finished reading Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz. I've been meaning to read it for years, and am so glad I finally did. There are so many beautiful lessons about what it means to love ourselves, other people, and God even in those tough places. He throws in a little offbeat humor too, because where we would be without laughter (Believing in God is not unlike the radars inside of Penguins on when to hatch their eggs. Oh Penguins, you explain everything).  Perhaps I will explore my thoughts on the book further in a future blog post. I am about to start other works by him. Great food for thought during this Faith journey of mine.
          
For now, as I ride the waves of uncertainty and doubt, I find myself just whispering steadily "Here I Am, Lord."

For now, I am thankful for these people!

Motivation: You're a pterodactyl.

-Katie



"The human mind may devise many plans, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will be established."
Proverbs 19:21

Lent-Spring Cleaning of the Soul. Aka I can wear matching socks again!

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Serious Blog Hiatus. I partly blame Mardi Gras, and I partly blame life for just picking me up and sweeping me away into its winds. As Spring brings its icky pollen to ignite my allergies as well as delightful warm weather and sunshine, I feel a new dawn rising up inside of me.

My roommates and I have done been doing some serious Spring Cleaning in our apartment: vacuuming/mopping with 7 different types of Swiffer products, cleaning out drawers overflowing with unworn clothes and crumpled receipts and Ew was that a french fry at one point? I am having a lot of "A ha!" moments. My other earring that I thought was gone forever! 17 Teeth Whitening Strips I don't remember buying! The Swiffer Vacuum charger that my desk apparently ate! We can finally clean with it! And then there are all those poor lonely socks desperately missing their companions under the darkness and dustiness of my bed. It's a tiring, ongoing process, but it feels amazing. As the last debris of Mardi Gras is swept off the streets, and the reflective Season of Lent is upon us I feel it is time for official spring cleaning of my soul. Putting on my mask, dawning my rubber gloves, and going in...

It is the practice of Lent to give up something. I have thought long and hard about what I should do. I could give up staring at Facebook for hours, eating chocolate, fast food, meat, etc. All of these are generally unhealthy practices when done in excess, and I could definitely benefit from taking a break from them. BUT, simply giving up one of these does not seem to wire my heart and mind to truly understand Lent. Kathy, our wonderful site coordinator, asked us as a group of YAVs to take up a Lenten discipline in which every time we have negative thoughts about someone else to write it on a piece of paper and put it away. I like this idea of adopting a practice/discipline in order to delve into God's will for us.

Through journaling and reflecting these past few weeks, I have been finding quite a few lost socks under the bed, so to speak. As the painful feelings I have towards myself, others, and my community arise within me, I write them down, I look at them, and then I let them go. It's difficult to put these thoughts away because I want so badly to cling to my pride, to put up my shield and protect myself. It is so easy and fun to gossip, to stand on our pedestals and laugh at others when they are vulnerable, to proclaim that we are right and everyone else must meet us where we are. It may be a two way street, but if we look around we see that many of us are standing on our separate corners refusing to budge.  God asks us to put down our weapons, to put down our shields, and to put down our pride.  "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this word, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2.

It is is becoming evident to me that if we don't clean out our hearts and minds in the same way we clean out our closets and bedrooms, a lot of mess begins to pile up inside of us. The clutter puts a film over our eyes and keeps us from seeing ourselves and others the way God sees us. We get caught up in the tangles of life, and one day we wake up and realize something is missing. We need both socks to make a complete pair, both earrings, both shoes. In taking this journey with Jesus through the Lenten season, we are cleaning out all the negative clutter under our hearts to find the missing components of ourselves that keep us from fully living out God's will.

"But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. "
Galatians 5:22-23

Continue to keep the people of Japan in your prayers. You can donate money to the relief fund Here. And also, for all the people of the world suffering from physical wars and the wars within their own hearts, my prayers and love go out to you.

Comment and tell me how the Season of Lent is affecting you. I would love to continue this conversation. After all, as Presbyterians, we are all about our conversations. :)

God Bless,
Katie

Straight from my Heart

This week has been incredibly stressful and difficult for me, but at the same time, extremely important in figuring out my purpose and future. The need for young children to receive quality education and specialized attention and guidance is becoming more and more apparent to me than ever before. I have had several conversations in the past few weeks about how so many children are born into unfortunate circumstances and are not getting the proper education they deserve. We cannot keep turning our back on this. I see it here especially in New Orleans through the tutoring program I am involved with each week and the conversations I have had with other people involved in educating children in poor areas. 

After Katrina, many kids had to take months off of school and as a result, were extremely behind in their reading level and other learning areas upon returning. Teachers are overwhelmed with large numbers of students especially those that are deemed as distracting and unruly. With no positive motivation and confined in the chains of poverty, each child's self-esteem plummets, and they lose their motivation at an early age. Many kids are alone in their houses until late hours of the night. Others are one of many siblings and often feel abandoned, neglected.  Furthermore, some parents even encourage their children to act out in school, so they will receive money for their kids being in Special Education. The truths are startling and have been taking a heavy toll on me these past few days. School teachers across the country are tirelessly working and making real differences during the school day, but it can be overwhelming. And that is where I come in, as a mentor/tutor to give those children the individualized attention and time they deserve and need.


Even more troubling to me are recent news articles about the government's plan to cut volunteer, and education programs such as AmeriCorps across the country. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/12/house-gop-budget-plan-tar_n_822364.html) I am applying to be an AmeriCorp next year through a program where I can be a mentor to kids and lead after school programs. But if all volunteer/service programs are cut it will be even more difficult for me to pursue this passion and more importantly, communities will lose valuable assets and gateways to positive change. I don't want to use this blog as a platform to go on a political rant, but I will say this country needs to rethink where its priorities are. We spend billions of dollars on war and defense while our own country struggles to deliver proper education to its own people. I know it is not a black or white situation, and I understand the government has many factors to consider and debate. The truth is real people and real lives are at stake. I can't just sit back and watch their struggles fall to the waste side. So many volunteer programs provide hope for the hopeless and are drastically changing poverty and education deficits everywhere. Thousands of young people are willing to live in poor areas for no pay and in exchange receive help in furthering their own education. Think about all the good things that can come out of this for this country, its people, and the world!!

I struggle with where our money and time is going and have been praying that people will soon realize it's not even about politics or parties or taking sides. It is so much more than that. At the end of the day, after we all have gotten on our soap box (myself included) this is about the importance of individual lives and the radical idea that we can ignite hope where this is despair if we stop for reevaluation. 

I've seen it first hand. I see it, walk around with the devastation, the scars, the suffering these people are met with every day. I only wish my experience was one that everyone could go through. Seeing all the hoops people have to jump through just to obtain decent, affordable housing. Being put on hold for hours on the phone with that very real feeling of no one being there but a dial tone. Children falling through the cracks. All the myths and misconceptions that surround homelessness, poverty, and education are brought to my attention every single day. I attended a Stopping Crime panel with the members of the NOPD and District Attorney's office present. Disgruntled community members expressed their anger over the disconnect between the government and the citizens of the community. The panel said they recognize this and they are working towards fixing it. I have seen lives touch lives in New Orleans. These people have their hearts on their sleeves. I know change is possible in this city.


Despite all this brokenness I see around me, and the raw desperateness of the situations I have encountered, I truly believe my generation has the power to propel us into a new dawn. Through social networking sites like Facebook or Twitter (although they do eat my time like pacman) I see young people expressing themselves about movements they are involved in and raising their voices about issues they feel strongly about. Being a part of the YAV program, I am blessed enough to be connected to 80 something other passionate, service-minded volunteers who are currently around the world attempting to make their mark, to let people know that we are here, we are not giving up, and most importantly WE CARE. 

Don't for a second,  underestimate the power of love. Love is often difficult, love is the higher road, and love is the only way we can move forward in this world. I am not saying that tomorrow we will all hold hands across communities and nations and sing Kumbayah together, but I do think to strive for anything less than that is a disservice to humanity. If we keep taking a backseat and accepting things as inevitable and awful, we cease to live, we become faithless, and our lives are drained of all meaning. It IS possible for us to remove ourselves from our tiny sheltered boxes and look out around us with open hearts and eyes. Despite all the bad we see, there is so much good in this world, and we must hold on to that and spread it like wildfire. This world is not an ugly, bad place. It is simply a canvas of potential that cannot, will not be reached by pessimism and resistance but a constant outpouring of radical, all-encompassing, unconditional love.


I know what I am saying may sound over the top/crazy optimistic/wildly liberal,insert adj here. In addition, I recognize I have much to learn and improve upon within myself. However, I am speaking from my heart. Living here in New Orleans has opened me up to what is happening while millions of us cloak ourselves in the comforting fabric of denial. While I will never know the true horror of what some of these families have been through, felt what they have felt, I can see it written on their faces, and I will never be the same because of it. This city with all its crime, injustice, poverty, and ever present love is changing me, changing me every second. I will continue to pray and listen for God in the noise and the silence to guide me forward even if I shake with fear in every step.


It's been an emotional past few days, but I know more than ever I want to help children see that they do have potential. Helping these troubled kids living in difficult situations takes a great deal of patience and is not easy and is often a long, uphill road. However, I am one more person committed to this cause. If I can make one child believe they have a future, that their lives do matter, that they can rise above the confinements of their situations, then my purpose on this earth is fulfilled. I hope each of you continue to search your hearts and when your answers lead to more questions, know that we will get there. God is there. God is always there.



Katie

Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Discerning "The Next Step" while walking in the present.

In my last entry, I briefly mentioned figuring out "The Next Step." In the past few weeks, I have been frantically Google searching where I want to go in August. I mulled over many options in the months since I've been here (Graduate program for some kind of professional writing, Seminary, more volunteering, etc.)  Right now, I  am thinking about doing a program through AmeriCorp next year where I would mentor kids in reading and facilitate various after school programs for them. I want to go live somewhere new (California is first on my list).  I am continually praying and looking at all my options to see where I am needed most.

At the famous establishment Tipitinas seeing a real Mardi Gras Indian perform!

It's funny how God works. The more I search and discern and ponder what will happen next year, the more I am brought back to my present life in New Orleans and how much this experience is defining where I go from here. After all, it's hard to build a future without looking around and seeing what's making you happy now.  I have fallen in love and grown quite attached to the people here and can feel that New Orleans spirit that's about as loud and joyous as the brass bands that were born inside the city walls. Mardi Gras hasn't even begun!

This is Leslie, the adorable 2nd grader I tutor twice a week through the STAIR program.

The reason I want to spend a year focusing on mentoring and helping kids who are struggling with reading is because I have discovered how much I love tutoring. I tutor a 2nd grade girl named Leslie twice a week through the STAIR program. We read books together and work on basic literacy and reading comprehension skills. It can be particularly challenging at times and takes a great deal of patience but the rewards are wonderful. I love seeing a smile light up her face when I tell her she's going onto the next reading unit and cherish the overwhelming sense of accomplishment when she finally writes a sentence correctly that we've been working on together. I enjoy finding creative, interesting ways to get her to learn concepts. Making even the smallest difference by forming a positive relationship with this little girl has been a highlight of my time spent in New Orleans.

My roommate Tasha and I with our Mentors, Shirley and Catina, who both attend Faith Pres!

Furthermore, as I step back and look at the big picture of my present life, I realize I am lucky and blessed beyond believe to be a part of two unique, wonderful church congregations. These people are teaching me that it's not about doing every little thing right, it's not about being superwoman. It's about being here, being apart of these people's lives and binding my struggles with theirs, it's about presence and it's about listening (the real kind of listening that involves empathy and understanding), it's about learning things I never thought I would and challenging myself to be a part of something bigger, it's about putting my whole heart into everything I do and trusting God with everything I have. It's the feeling I get when I hear Pastor Jayne's voice leading the homeless men, women, and children in the song, "Standing in the Need of Prayer." It's about the genuine hug and smile I get from Pastor Ron as soon I walk in the door at Faith. It's the laughter of my roommates when one of us breaks the ice cream scoop in half. Oh yeah. And it's about love.  Love love love. A whole lot of love. 


And that love is not always easy. I have found that community is not something to be taken lightly, for it makes a deep mark on our hearts and people's struggles are becoming as real to me as they are to those who suffer from them. Frustration consumes me at not being able to do enough for those around me, to do it right, to fix it, to make it better. But as I search for the answers, the "next steps" in my own life, the right things to do for others, I bring myself back to here, back to now, back to God. I am but one small instrument in this orchestra of humanity. And as Rob Bell says in one of his inspirational videos, it's not a question of what song you are playing, it's about whether or not you are in tune.

Katie

"May you come to see that the song is written on your heart. And as you live in tune with the song, in tune with creator of the universe, may you realize that you ARE in relationship with the living God."

-Rob Bell

A Work in Progress.

Happy new year friends!! We are blessed to see another one. I have been on a slight hiatus from blogging due to the holidays and attempting to swing back into the new year. Apple is currently holding my laptop hostage, so it could be awhile before I have regular access to a computer. But luckily I am able to use the computers at my respective churches; thus, I  am stealing a little time to blog!

I felt such immense joy while I was home for the holidays, and was thankful for precious time with family and friends. I am so blessed to have all those loves in my life, and I am more grateful for them each year I grow older. However, it did feel a little strange being back. I am feeling caught in between places. I have roots home in Alabama, ties in South Carolina where I attended college, and I am now forming a new community here in New Orleans. While I am blessed to have the opportunity to be connected with many different people, I often feel torn in many directions. Pieces of me are scattered everywhere, and I am without a true center. Additionally, working at two different churches amidst the stress of a new year increases this feeling of being pulled and stretched too thin.


With each day, I am learning that God can be that center, fill that aching hole that  forms when one is simply worn ragged. If there is anything I have learned in these last few months it is that wherever I go, whatever I am doing I will not be truly happy unless I allow myself to bring my restlessness, my doubts, my anxiousness, and my fears back to God. I can clutter my life with so many things, so many activities, so many ways of living, so many desires that I think are the answer to the chaos inside of me.  But in the end, I must trust God above all. To hear his voice rise above earth's static, and weave all that noise in our lives into a symphony that speaks to the true depth and cadence of human nature.


At the start of this new year, I feel that initial momentum, the familiar thoughts of THIS WILL BE THE YEAR. THE NEW ME. I will be a changed, marvelous person who exercises every day, eats insanely healthy, is super productive, follows through with all commitments, exhibits punctuality, reads scriptures everyday, and finally achieves self-actualization and a lifetime of bliss. Then December rolls around and the guilt and shame tumble over me, and I feel like a complete and total failure. Does this cycle sound familiar to anyone out there? I know many people who refuse to make resolutions because of these reasons.


I am at a terrifying, exciting, time in my life. People are constantly asking me "What's next?" When I give them a blank stare and say "Stay tuned," they are clearly not satisfied with this answer and seem to almost feel sorry for me.  I can't even tell you what will happen to me tomorrow, much less come August. As grim as the future can look to me at times, I am trying to relish this feeling that I can go anywhere I want to go from here, be whoever I choose to be. Yes, there are obstacles, limitations, restrictions, but I want to take my time and figure out where my needs and gifts can best serve the world. I am a work in progress and thankful for that. The most important thing about "what's next" is that I am happy and can find meaning in what I am doing. Small things with great love as Mother Teresa said.


All that being said, I don't think I'll be making any dazzling new years resolutions this year. I don't want a "new me" but rather find the me that I've been running away from. I want to spend my months growing as an individual through various false starts, mistakes,setbacks and successes, realigning my inner compass, and living with this realization that happiness is a spiritual state of being that occurs only when God is the center, the driving force of all that I do. It is not an easy way, but I am more than ready.


Please keep the YAVs in Tucson in your prayers and all those affected by the recent tragedy. We must remember God is with us.


Peace,
Katie

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.  -Hal Borland

The Season of Waiting

Tis the Season...to be overloaded, overwhelmed, and stressed out. Don't get me wrong I do get a subtle thrill from Tacky Christmas Sweater parties, corny yet comforting Christmas music blaring from speakers all around me, and all the holiday glitz and glamor that floods our lives this time of year. However, this year, as I begin to feel that familiar tug into a frazzled, frantic holiday state of mind I am stopping to remind myself of something. While thousands of us struggle to  prepare for the holidays amidst a grim economy and political turmoil, something is happening in the church. It's the Season of Advent, the Season of Waiting.


I was lucky enough to make it home for a few days this past Thanksgiving and even got to go to my lovely home church of Edgewood. Sid, my super awesome pastor, preached an inspiring sermon on waiting that really got me thinking. My thoughts continued when I saw the cover of the Presbyterian Outlook magazine: An hour glass with the title: Learning to Wait. Our brains, our bodies have been programmed not to wait. Whenever we find ourselves in line at a store we immediately pull out our phones or grab a magazine, desperate for something to occupy us so we won't be stuck with ourselves. Just like Sid said in his sermon, we flock to those flashing NO WAITING signs in restaurants, malls, and coffee shops. Anything, anything, to keep us from stopping, from standing still, from taking a break and just being alone with ourselves and God.


This may sound rather silly, but I was waiting for something to download on the computer the other day and decided to challenge myself to simply...wait for it. Sitting there staring at the screen I felt my heart begin to pound, my knees begin to shake, and my mind beginning to go into to overdrive. I couldn't believe how hard my body was fighting what seemed like such a simple task!  Could it be that I have submerged myself so deep in sensory overload that my brian literally does not know what to do when I make it just sit there? Thoughts bubbled to the top of the ocean in my head, conflicts that I am avoiding, things on my never ending mental to do list that have been pushed aside, and all sorts of negative feelings  that I just don't want to deal with. My life has become a defense mechanism, a series of constant distractions so I don't have to deal with the stuff buried deep. So I don't have to deal with myself or talking to God about the truth behind my feelings.


Perhaps, it is in being with ourselves that God's voice finally rises above the rest. As we wait, we realize what is really eating away at us, what is really down there inside of us. It's surprising, uncomfortable, and difficult and that is why our brains are wired to avoid such stillness. However, we confuse the practice of being still with doing nothing. And who wants to waste their time doing nothing when there is so much to do do do? But by  being with God and our thoughts we are doing far more for ourselves then the mindless actions that make up a great deal of our lives. We are finding that inner voice, realigning that inner compass, and ultimately saving ourselves from a spiritual death.


So this Season of Advent, I encourage everyone to take a break from the madness and  think about what it means to wait and actually give it a try. Your brain and your body will put up heavy resistance at first but continue through that feeling. On the other side, you will find something. Yourself.


Christ is coming. Let us not be anxious but thankful, joyful. And most importantly, let us wait.

In this IPhone generation, where does that leave the steady, thoughtfulness of prayer?

I had a fabulous YAV weekend retreat in San Antonio, Texas. We got to meet up with some other volunteers from San Antonio and Tucson. It was so great to chill out with such incredible people. I loved looking around seeing all these other eager young faces. We've all dedicated a year of our lives to service for various reasons but one thing we have in common is that we care. Listening to everyone talk about their passions, their frustrations, their concerns,etc. was so refreshing. It gives me such great hope for the future of this planet that there are young people out there who each have a social conscious and a willingness to doubt, to question,  to take action, to love, and to believe. I am blessed to know a good number of these people, and they will probably never know the far reaching impact they are having on my life.


I got to eat some delicious tex mex, go see a hilarious play written by a former YAV that shed humorous light on community living, and got to cheer on other runners at the San Antonio Rock N Roll marathon. We also got to go on a strenuous, but reflective hike. All in all an incredible weekend get away.


Now that I am back in New Orleans I've been feeling a little stuck. My days are starting to slip into a numbing routine, and I just feel restless, and unsure of what I am doing and what I should do next. There are several projects that I've talked about starting but I just can't seem to get my feet on the ground about any of them, and I am feeling rather unproductive.


Don't get me wrong, I love the people here. And they have all been unbelievably welcoming to me. Last night was great, because we had a Young Adult Gathering where a bunch of young adults of different faiths and backgrounds who are serving in the city got together and discussed ways we could network and connect with each other throughout our time here. It is exciting for me to have new friends to look forward to.


But somehow, I've still been feeling lost and confused, an outsider in my own life who is desperate to break the walls of my boxed in world. I struggle to make a difference while feeling I am only going backwards and not doing enough or the right thing. I feel shy and afraid. I see so much complication and pain and doubt around me, it just makes me want to shrink away.


It is in these confusing times, that I turn to prayer. Prayer has always been difficult for me because it often feels strange and forced, like I am not really getting anywhere. We are submerged in a society that thrives on instant gratification, immediate results. With technology and social media advancing and exploding left and right, it is hard to remember what it's like to slowly, steadily work for something. We are the generation of microwaveable meals and internet phones. If we want something we mash a button, and it's there for us. Meaningful conversations and intimate moments with each other are hard to come by because we are all huddled against our tiny glowing screens, obsessed and addicted to information that floods from our fingertips to our brains. How do we lift up our heads back to the world around us, back to God?

Prayer, I've discovered,  encourages a different way of living, goes against the direction our modern world is headed. Prayer is sincerely asking God not for some immediate physical thing you want, but strength to help discern what it is you really need amidst all the chaos and rubble that consume our lives. Prayer is not about producing instant downloadable results, but living a life by faith instead of by sight. Prayer is not a sign of weakness but a sign of willingness. A willingness to ask the big questions and trust that God is good. 
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6.


Every day is up and down, up and down. But that is how God intended it to be. For without this steady pattern, our lives would flatten out, with no space to grow, to thrive. I feel useless, scared, and overwhelmingly unsure of myself and others. But at the end of the day God has a mysterious, magnificent plan.  I don't have to know it, I just need to have faith in it.


"We can reach our world, if we will. The greatest lack today is not people or funds. The greatest need is prayer."
-Wesley Duewel